Maiming Mentor

Mamata Banerjee...in a Trinamool Congress Rally...sorry...I can't afford to be irreverent on this...Mamata Banerjee at the KKR 'team meeting'(Perplexed?Read on...)

Brendon McCullum landing at the Wellington airport after taking a chartered flight from Kolkata to Wellington(read on...you'll know why)

Yet another day of excruciating torture for the pitiable members of the Kolkata Knight Riders...

A couple of weeks ago, my all-time favourite TV anchor Cyrus Broacha happened to slip in a cheeky comment when he said Mamata Banerjee should be made the coach of the Kolkata Knight Riders. I know that would send shudders among the local KKR players and yet, I can't but thrive in the idea…


•She would cut down the expenses of the team(radically) and change the colour of the team jersey to white and green(confused...?Check out the logo of the Trinamool Congress). ‘Simple lifestyle and slogging work’ would be her mantra. The official team caption though would be changed to ‘Lado Lado Lado Re’, reminiscent of a medieval war(the ad will feature a belligerent and unnecessarily pumped up  Mamata Banerjee and a befuddled looking SRK in the background,who would sneak in after bribing the cameraman)...and yes...the name of the team would be changed to Bengali Bhoot Riders(or BBR in short)


•Apart from cutting down ‘lavish’ expenses of the team that are meant to provide luxury, she would also remorselessly demand exorbitant fees from SRK. Besides, a donation would also have to be coughed up by the Badshah which would go into the Trinamool Congress Fund. The precise amount would be decided by means of a quiz conducted to SRK by Derek O’ Brien(India’s best quizmaster and Trinamool Congress Leader) and the questions would all be regarding the exact details of KKR’s miserable losses in the last two years(the adjudicator of the quiz would be Mamata herself and she’d change the rules of the quiz at will depending on the progress)


•She would mistake RanaDEB Bose for BuddhaDEB Bhattacharjee(because of the remote similarities in the last three letters of the first name and the first and last letters of the second name) and chase him out of the camp, bellowing derogatory Bengali slang.


•The status quo is that she has a say in the formation of the Union Cabinet. She would, in that case, allocate two portfolios for two very special members of the team. Brendon McCullum would be made the Civil Aviation Minister and Sourav Ganguly the Railway Minister (the reason being closely linked to their batting styles). Ricky Ponting, however, will find the going tough in her company, for she will insist on every possible occasion that he should modify his ‘Angrezi’ in such a manner that it is understood by one and all (including herself of course, given her abysmal proficiency in the language)


•She would manually add a clause in the contract, which would compel all the players (foreign or Indian) to campaign for the party in every interview they give and wear practice T-shirts having the TMC logo and ‘MAMATA BANARJEE FOR PM’ written at the back. This predictably will incur a backlash from SRK who will insist that ‘Tag Heuer’, ‘Sprite’ and ‘Red Chillies Entertainment’ be inscribed at the back of the T-shirts, which is when Derek’s number will be dialed by Mamata’s secretary.


•She would buy (no…hijack) a cricket bat herself and use it as an influential tool during practice. Statements like ‘Physical imposition when required’ would also be an integral part of the contract. Kids like Ishant Sharma would be treated with particular harshness.


•Sourav Ganguly chatting with Rahul Dravid isn’t a dangerous sight, you would say. But this would make Mamata livid. She would make Sourav Ganguly field some blinders and make him sprint for 1000metres per miss(he would end up sprinting 48ooo metres by the end of the day). If you don’t get the reason behind the hostility, Mamata loathes Bangalore Royal Challengers and Kings XI Punjab…the reason being that their team colours are Red too…just like the CPI(M).


•The Fake IPL Player would be quizzed by Derek again (who would be given clear cut instructions about what the final result should be) regarding the comments left by fans for each of his blog posts. Any minor aberration would result in usurpation of the site and converting it into a TMC campaign website (which would be managed by the Fake IPL Player himself who would be locked in an airless room with only one bulb, so that he can record a similar video that he had earlier with only his shadow visible. Anonymity is top priority for Mamata). If he does well in the quiz, providing a fan in the room would be considered.


•As I have mentioned earlier, luxuries and fancies would become a long forgotten thought for the Knight Riders. However, outstanding performances will result in certain rewards like usage of the common 56 month old crushed iPod for 71 seconds. It would also include free walk in the corridor for 189 seconds.


•The IPL would lose players like David Hussey, Brad Hodge and Brendon McCullum who would take chartered flights (at SRK’s expense) and rush out of the country before Mamata’s farewell tirade. They would never return again, even if SRK would be made the coach.


Well, considering the performance of the Knight Riders this season under John Buchanan, she would definitely make a more ‘proactive’ coach…wouldn’t she?